Mais's Musings

…

I’ve doodled that once on my mother tongue textbook.It was supposed to be a small affair but I ended up covering the entire page,explanations of peribahasa be damned.

The 7 ended up looking like one of those neon lights,you know? I was thinking about somebody then and I was just really….sad,I guess and needed to doodle something meaningless to distract myself from it.

The weather this morning looks good.Happy.Bright.Yeah. *nods*

I’m wondering if I should play Sims3 again….but at the risk of getting addicted again///

-Mais

Listening to: Happy by Leona Lewis

Today was marginally better than yesterday./

I busied myself with the mindless mundane chores like clearing out my collage wall(but I had to put up new stuff because you can just see the paint peeling off too obviously and I have to cover it somehow) and doing laundry,vacuuming the place and you know.Stuff like that.Things to keep me from thinking too much.

Watched that documentary yesterday as well. Nostradamus:2012…I don’t know what to make it.I don’t put much stock into predictions(I mean,look.We can barely predict the weather.Its touch-and-go.You want me to believe I’m going to die in three years?I might die tomorrow!Who knows?) but there’s still that underlying fear.I suspect it has something to do with my irrational fear of dying. But maybe it’s not so irrational…maybe its a human fear. But I’m also irrationally scared of bugs and lizards and anything that creeps and crawls.I’m scared when I wake up suddenly in the middle of the night and I can’t remember where I am and I still think I’m asleep (andohgodIcan’tgetout)….Sometimes the dark just creeps me out.Does it creep you out?Its too dark and you know….you can’t see what goes bump in the night.

I think we’ve better get off this subject before I get overcome by one of my attacks of paranoia as I’m prone to.

So….I went out with my sister and mother this afternoon as well.We went to Tampines and had lunch at Long John Silvers’….ahhh…why do they even have that bell?That bell just embarrasses me every time Maimai rushes over to ring it like an idiot. And its shrill.Its like,designed to annoy everyone within a ten-mile(or more like KM) radius of it.Its not endaearing…its just….annoying.

Bought Levi’s jeans so…. One item on my wish list is done.Thank you Mama! ♥

Wandered around a bit,nothing good at San’s.Is it me or is the stock slowly getting worse?Its stocking books I can find anywhere.Whatever happened to my favorite hard-to-find-but-it-s-hey!-here! books? Got notebooks at Art Box.Golly.I ♥ that shop. Everything in it is just so…cute.

Cooked dinner for the family tonight as well.

Think baked rice. It came out pretty good except we forgot to buy parmesan or mozzarella cheese so we just used grated cheese. But still.I DID IT!YEAH!

Reading Stephen King’s Bag Of Bones.I’m super creeped out.Feel the way I did when I read PetCemetery. This guy’s a genius,you know?….and how the hell am I going to sleep tonight?

Argh.

I hope I’ll be going to the Science Centre tomorrow.I know its completely nerdy and dorkish but I so want to see the exhibition.

Going off now,

Mais

Its been a long time since I’ve last posted.

It’s just that…I think writing is starting to become my life now.And I love writing,I really do.But I don’t want to write like all the time.So I’m trying to take some time off now,just reading again and refreshing everything. I’m re-reading Flowers For Algernon.I’ve forgotten how sad the book is,how much it depresses me.

In other news,it’s the holidays for me now. ))) Yay! I wanted to enroll in some classes actually but I can’t find anything that interests me so I guess I’ll be just hanging out at places like normal or reading/writing (See?It’s like my whole life!I feel deprived of a childhood now!) or just surfing the net,working on my stuff.Not that I have many.

I’m really…..scared about the upcoming 11th./

How can I explain this? It’s the day when I get my classes for next year. Its going to affect my life.Majorly. So I hope I’ll get into a good combo. I know I’ll definitely be taking literature next year (The Crucible by Arthur Miller.It sounds promising. ) and most likely History( I like History much better than Geography). I’m not sure if I’ll get all three sciences (Physic,Chemistry and Biology) but if anything,I really really HOPE I get into an Additional Maths class. I know I suck at maths so I’ll have to work on it.

Right now….life just feels really empty. Like I’m waiting for something to happen./Like the start of everything but it’s just the in between time right now.I’m just waiting.I’m just….whiling.

Does that make sense?

I’m starting to think I don’t.

I feel like I’m slowly going mad,not knowing what to do.

And it’s starting to show in my writing.I keep writing morbidly about fear and … you know. It’s like I’m sinking back into that dark place where I couldn’t get out from before.It took me so long to get out of there but now I feel like I’m slipping backwards into that abyss.

I don’t know what to do.I don’t want to feel sad all the time again.I’m not suicidal. I just feel as though…..I want to go to sleep,I’m so tired.I just don’t want to wake up.What’s the point of it all? Life’s a routine and I’m losing all the days.Its all just going by without me.

It’s like yesteryear when all I ever felt like doing during recess at school was to count all the buses going by. All those wasted chances that I felt I should have taken.I don’t know to do what.To break away and run from school? That’s sure what I FELT like doing.

I keep listening to Death Cab For Cutie’s album too. That’s keeping me sane. Something truthful in The Ice Is Getting Thinner and Your New Twin-Sized Bed. And Mayday Parade’s songs./ Your Song and Miserable At Best.

What can I say? I feel sad. I don’t know why. Its like a whole multitude of reasons why.

What can I say to make it hurt less?

-Mais

Listening to:The Ice Is Getting Thinner by Death Cab For Cutie

Last Read:Flowers For Algernon by Daniel Keynes

Book I Want To Read: None at the moment

Its like I’m a sucker sometimes.I mean,why do I even bother Googling for dream interpretations or horoscopes if I don’t believe in it?(Although it is really funny to read that I’m going to watevs in one and something else on another site and imagine people sitting at their desks,going “Ooh!and Capricon shall have a brick wall fall atop of them because they’ve been mean to…erm…Cancer!Yeah!That’s it!” What a fun job,it must be.)

I can’t believe N.N left for London again.I haven’t seen her in YEARS. And then I hear she’s been hanging at L79 for the past few weeks and I’ve just been coming in too late to meet her(which is just screwed ’cause wth?I’ve been going to L79 for years too,which is where I met her,but now,admittedly in the evening,nearly night.) and its really upsetting.It would have been like,AWESOME to meet her.One of the coolest friends,I’ve got. I mean,heck,she’s like the first person I knew before the emo wave who liked Good Charlotte and My Chemical Romance.And she was great at being a friend,too. She didn’t interrupt and was good at giving advice.

So I confess,part of my reasons for wanting to meet her is to selfishly ask for advice. After all,if she could fix my life at age eight,why not now at age fourteen?

It just sort of sucks when you realise that you’re not going to get another chance and you’ve blown this one.

So here I am,sitting at this stupid desk with a computer in front of me,thinking aboput all those wasted time that I won’t get back.

God.Life really DOES suck.

Its like a black hole that sucks in things I like and spews out crap so I can make mini statues out of it.Or not.

Anyway,so this post is called waiting for drean interpretation ’cause I had a bizarre dream about him,last night.So weird. But I’m so tempted to ask  Z.B if she dreamt anything strange too ’cause she had a dream(which she so nicely and gleefully told me,in the hopes,it was a phrophercy) that he asked me out.

Well.

I WISH.

Still.I can’t help but think of him. He is just that nice and sweet and cute and ononononon.And his eyes look so beautiful when he smiles and they sortof light up and his fingers,really long and lean like a pianist’s.

-Mais

Listening to:Hot Mess by Cobra Starship

Last Book Read:Through The Looking Glass by Lewis Carrol (back to classis (: )

Book I WANT To Read:Another Faust by Nayeri

I haven’t posted in a long time but oh well,who cares?

I seriously doubt anyone reads this.But if you do,I am incredibly grateful. I think I’ve fallen in ♥. Oh,that horrible,treacherous thing!I can’t help but keep thinking of him.(*coughs*He doesn’t know.Or he ACTs like he doesn’t!Yeah!Genius!)Love is just so cliched,you know?And even now,I still agree with that.I got my report book yesterday. My slacker attitude has shown. I failed maths.And not even I could have passed by a few marks fail but fail,like diedie fail.AWFUL.

I have no idea how I will pass this year.It just sucks.Like badly.*bangs head*Argh. I really do need a new perspective.

To Do Listy

1. stop thinking/writing bad poetry/singing about him.Or just do it less. Maybe just 12 hours out of a possible 24 .
2. Start studying math.
3. stop lying.
4. and using school projects as a way to get online/hang out with friends/slacking anywhere outside  home.

Watched the trailer of Jennifer’s  Body. Super cool. I want to go see it.Just as soon as I know the rating.But hell,I could go in.I don’t look my age.(And no,DI,I don’t need botox.Grr.)

-Mais

Think I’ll go check out horoscopes. They’re so wrong…but right!

Actually,that’s sort of the question itself,what’s the interlude TO?

School?-Approach The Bench by the Audition

Life?-Tie The Rope by The Format

Friends?-That Green Gentlemen by Panic!At The Disco ( I insist on spelling with !)

Love?-Shine by The Morning Of

I can’t believe its nearly term 3. (ugh)

For three reasons;

ONE!-H1N1,we  should close down schools. Like for SARs. Granted,it isn’t so dangerous(you have more chance of dying from the seasonal flu) but I think,its alarming the rate its spreading here in Singapore.And as a student in a neighbourhood school where we regularly have mass gatherings,I’m scared it’ll pass on even faster.And no  what they say,I think it really will spread faster.

TWO!-Quite unfortunately,I’ve gotten addicted to the Sims3 and am in the throes of withdrawal symptoms which include

• constant craving
• sniffling
• loss of concentration or just inability to
• immunity to the yummness of chocolate(it’ll wear off,I went through this with sims2)

JUST as we’re about to re-open school. :p Sucks.

THREE!-I just really don’t want to. I’ve had enough of school! As much as I ♥ my friends and learning,I hate the pressure and being told what to do(not that I bother half the time).

:0 Sadly,I don’t think it’ll be enough to convince MOE.

Watched Transformers:Revenge of The Fallen yesterday night at Kallang. It was booked everywhere else.(Oooo….er)

Really good. Super,in fact! It didn’t deserve the crap rating or review The Straits Times gave it. Okay so there were a LOT of explosions(My seat vibrated.Honest.)  BUUUUUUT it was not all that bad,jerks.

But *shrugs* reviews are just one person’s opinion, and that’s great. You know,’cause freedom of expression, choice and all that jazz. The difference(sadly) is that they get paid to say out their opinions. Me? I’m frequently told to either screw off,shut up or go the hell away. OR all three.

Watched Ghost of Girlfriend’s Past as well. That was just funny. And Connor teen was cute.

We blew off the project meeting.Think we discussed for about 30 minutes before we just went “let’s go to a movie.” LOL.

Tsktsktsk,we’re going to get awhful marks.

Think that’s it,I’ll write next week. Or whenever I get to again.

-Mais

Listening to: Speakers Blown by Hit The Lights

Last book read: City of Ashes by Cassandra Clare

Book I WANT to read:Along For The Ride by Sarah Dessen

Today’s looking awful. well,sort of. I’m glad I finally got the guts to do up something for once on my own. For once. I like the sound of that so much.

But no,I’m glad I’m doing this (keyword) on my own. No one’ll judge me and hopefully,no one will comment. I don’t want to be judged. I’m just…I…I just want to write. About myself. My godawful poems. My friends because the first truth of friendship is that if you’re not happy,mouth off. Well,I don’t want to.What if you’re not happy with your friends? Then what?Do you bitch to your other  friends?

Let’s not go there.

Anyway,in other news,she’s still in Australia.

I can’t believe she went there for two frigging weeks. And she’s still there. She’s not coming back till Monday. I might not live till then.

Well.Maybe.

During remedial maths class yesterday, while I was trying so hard to figure out that mess of algebra,suddenly I heard her(you know,the teacher’s) voice,saying something like “ugly people shouldn’t wear make-up.” And I heard snickering directed at me and I felt just so bad then. I hadn’t felt so bad in such a long time. I mean,I’ve no idea why the snickering would be at me,considering I didn’t,wasn’t,don’t wear make-up.Heck,I POKED myself in the eye with the stupid wand that time.(Let it be known,it hurt.Really bad.)

I thought of the perfect comeback on the bus home. Four hours later.

Ah well. The masses are asses( and jerks.BIG jerks.)

I keep thinking of that line from Looking For Alaska by John Green though.

“Don’t worry,dude.God will punish the wicked and before he does,we will.”

-Mais

Listening to Don’t Be So Hard(Acoustic) by The Audition

Last read: Change Of Heart by Jodi Picoult